love above all

I’m a 35 year old woman, scratch that, 36 year old who has never had a serious relationship. Why is that? That’s what my therapist and I are trying to get to the bottom of. I’ve always pictured meeting the right person in some meet-cute way, like a dumb Kate Hudson movie except less stupid. So far, that hasn’t happened, so I guess I should take matters into my own hands. In other words, Online Dating.

Ugh. I know that’s what everyone does now, but I still find the whole process dreadful. So far I’ve signed up for five different sites (two of them I subscribed to), and haven’t procured a single date. Though, I have this strange reaction of when someone tries to talk to me on one of these apps I shudder and ignore them. It’s like a guttural action. I’m reminded of that Groucho Marx quote, “I would never want to join a club who wanted me as a member.” (paraphrasing). I have a hard time wanting to date anyone who would want to date me.

That’s probably a self esteem thing.

Let’s go back to the year 2000, when I graduated high school. Under my yearbook picture I picked the quote “I will have poetry in my life. And Adventure. And love. Love above all.” It’s from my favorite movie at the time Shakespeare in Love. I have let down my 18 year-old self. Adventure? That’ I’ve had. I’ve traveled, moved to San Francisco, lived in New York a few months, took an improv class, explored Machu Picchu, and even gone zip lining. Poetry? Sure, whatever that means. I’ve written and read a lot of things. I was a Creative Writing major in college. Love? Do dogs count? Friends and family? I have love in my life, just not the kind I was picturing. And to be honest, I could probably use more love over all.

So that’s my goal now. More love. And I’m going to go after it with whatever means I can find. Online dating, speeding dating, maybe blind dates, matchmaker. I will do it all.